


No More Cats In The Cradle

by godeatgod



Category: Silent Hill (Video Game Series)
Genre: Gen, Implied Abusive Childhood, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Leave Ending (Silent Hill 2), Parent-Child Relationship, Post-Silent Hill 4: The Room
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 05:40:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29554374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/godeatgod/pseuds/godeatgod
Summary: Laura thinks about what it means to have a family.
Relationships: Laura & James Sunderland
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	No More Cats In The Cradle

**Author's Note:**

> extremely self indulgent family dynamics here. sort of headcanon for what things were like for them after the leave ending, i might write more about it but for now here it is. this takes place eight years after Silent Hill 2 btw.  
> if you like it i would love to hear feedback and talk about theories and such in the comments really feel free! thank you for reading regardless <3

Scuffed tennis shoes swinging against the coffee table and bubble gum popping only lightly interrupted the tv’s soft stock canned laughter as reruns of That 70’s Show was about the only thing this station ever played and it wasn't like Laura cared to change or actively watch it. The sound was only there to drown out the noise of the old radiator while she read, she didn't care for dead empty silences where she could hear the house settle. She glanced up from a battered and tenderly repaired collection of Poe stories to stare at the clock over the TV, four thirty, he'd be home soon provided the car didn't get stuck in the snow billowing around outside. She once asked where the old blue car he'd had in the beginning had gone, and he'd just said it had too many memories so he got rid of it, and besides it wouldn't get through the weather any better than the car he had now, so she left it at that. 

She was bored, having read through all these stories a million times over and this knowing half or more of them by heart, she wasn't all that invested at the moment. She'd read all the library books she'd gotten and though they were going to go back this weekend, she had a sneaking suspicion it might be a little too rough on the car to go through the weather for anything non essential. 

She sighed and sat up to turn the TV up louder. She’d seen all of this show, no doubt it was funny but she sort of wanted something a little more interesting. The TV didn't get a lot of channels though usually fine, but she didn't like watching movies alone, it didn't feel quite right without him there to listen to her running commentary, it seemed to help. He didn't always like her choice in film, a few times suggesting she might be a little young for that sort of thing, but at sixteen she really didn't think so as long as nobody was naked, or at least not naked for very long. It had been a week or so since they had seen a movie together though, Laura assumed he wanted a bit to rest from her barrage of morbid subject matter. She’d convinced him that The Shining would be a great movie, and it was, but she didn't think he liked it much. Maybe it had something to do with the hotel. He’d seemed very unnerved and sad. But he never said anything. 

They talked about it. She'd say they argued but really it was her yelling or punching him or crying, and him just agreeing, letting her. These had stopped all together over a few years ago. Because frankly it wasn't solving anything, it wasn't fixing them and it wasn't what they'd been asked to do; thus it was better to try and have something more like understanding. A consensus. maybe one day they could go back to the crime without the threat of violence and the acceptance of this being penance. Laura figured he thought she hated him, and at first she had, but it was more complex than that now, as if she didn't have enough to deal with growing pains, and he didn't have enough stress to provide for them. She had never gone hungry, nor been cold or without proper clothing, unlike when the orphanage would be stretched for resources, but she knew he had at times.

Maybe that's why she couldn't hate him. For all his faults, he cared. And it wasn't only basic needs, there was a clumsy sort of care. Not that he was trying to force a closeness, or because he felt it was his duty, though neither of them could deny that there was some of her influence to his actions with Laura, but there was something genuine there, that he did care about her being happy and fulfilled as well as alive and healthy. She had said he was a sweet person. A person only doing their job, something they had to do wouldn't have tried to go the extra mile, even as he fumbled and barely made the finish line. He was stupid, and complex in that. She had told him this once and he hadn't understood but had just shrugged and said there wasn't much he could do, with a sorry. He was always apologizing. 

She wondered why the thought had occurred to her, sure she occasionally had moments of thinking about him in the context of her parental figure, moments of wondering if he was enough to be her ‘father’ of sorts, like it was some high honor, or wondering if her feelings could be boiled down to something more specific than ‘not hatred’. Maybe. Not now at nearly five in the afternoon, as it was both simultaneously too early and too late to worry about that. She was sort of hungry, as she was waiting to see if he had something planned for dinner, part of her knowing he'd forget to eat if she wasn't eating with him, and maybe that's why she was sitting here contemplating all of this. 

Then again maybe it was her friend going on and on about how happy she was to see her dad again as he had evidently been deployed and was coming home for christmas. When Laura had told him about it, James had just shook his head and said he felt sort of sorry for her in that case, that the military tended to make people crazy. When she’d asked what his excuse was in the joking sort of mean tone she knew how to take to show it wasn't serious, his smile had felt sort of forced. 

None of that mattered though, she guessed the idea of parents had been in her thoughts lately. Movies and television, books, and memoirs, it was a strange though to not really relate to the experience of having a parent or parents, most media where a child had no parents either gave them another family member as caretaker or had them live on their own, and even when it was an unrelated older person caring for a child, nine out of ten times the adult was unwilling and the child's charms warmed them to taking on the role. But Laura didn't relate to any of these, outside his time in that town, James had never been unwilling, tired yes, even a bit grumpy at times sure, but never unwilling, and Laura's graces never brought up the image of a cute little girl either. She hadn't been alone since she’d left that place, and yet her and James always felt separate from other people. Maybe that was why she couldn't see herself in those cartoons and books, stories of people she could never be, of people he could never be. It was strange really. 

Still, they had one another, the experience of being spoken to in a dream or a wish, had sort of left a veil over them, hiding something from other people, something neither of them knew. Sometimes people told her she looked alot like her dad and all she could do was stare at them and wonder what the hell they were talking about. Their perception was skewed, that's all it could be really. Tethered to each other, and something else, and they might as well make the most of it. She liked to think they had in a sense. She had friends, but it was shallow, she didn't invite them over, she didn't want them in their sanctuary; he never did either, she didn't know if he had friends. It was the only place that the veil was lifted and wherever was left of them was safe to stop with the facade. 

She didn't resent this, in fact the solitude of a space only for them, and even amongst that both of them having their own space within that space, was a comfort. A constant. And the both of them did well with consistency. 

Her thoughts were interrupted as the theme song for at least the fourth episode in a row began playing and the front door opened revealing James standing there, heavy black coat freckled with snowflakes as was the now damp blonde hair parted awkwardly from the wind outdoors. One hand had a small bag of groceries, the dripping plastic with the generic red repeating ‘Thank You’s’ indicated he’d gone to the closer grocery store,despite the nasty weather. He stood there adjusting to the strange lighting in the room, she always told him he needed glasses, and then proceeded to reach to pull off the stupid motorcycle boots that he could never explain to her. She told him he very well might die in those boots and he had shook his head and said he had to agree. 

“Hey Laura, how long have you been home?”

“Couple hours, it's only almost five.”

“Oh yeah. I uh got off work early so I went to the store, they had a few pies that weren't y'know ‘fresh’ anymore but they're still just fine so they mark em down. I figured we have some after dinner, i think we have spaghetti, but...hm we might have enough stuff to make chilli, it's whatever you want i don't really care.” he rambled on having set the bag on the coffee table and proceeded to stretch some, popping nearly every joint he owned. She just let him talk, he was usually quiet but on occasion would just start rattling off as many details as he could and though she didn't know why she also figured he'd spent all day being quiet that he needed to get some semblance of himself out into the world via spoken word.”y'know i think someone said it might be warmer tomorrow, we could probably go to the library then hm. Hmm maybe get some movies too, i know we still have popcorn in the cupboard...though i do need to find the bowl.” his gaze eventually made it to her waiting face as she watched him spew off every thought that popped into his head, he balked as little, “oh. Sorry uh….anyways, how was your day?” 

“Fine. Ashley still won't shut up about her dad, like ok sorry but i don't care he's in the military and also i don't even like you that much.” she rolled her eyes in a show of something like catty drama, and he smiled lightly, still clearly trying to decide if he should take his coat off or not. He eventually just decided to sit down on the couch and run a hand over his shoulder with some wincing, his back must be hurting him again, which was no surprise as she caught him sleeping on the couch the night before when she got up to get water. 

“Well i wouldn't recommend telling her that but…”

“If she keeps bothering me then I might have to James.”

“I won't stop you.” he just shrugged, having long since given up on the idea of discipline in the traditional sense, he once had grounded her and she laughed in his face. The early years were embarrassing for everyone. Then again, James seemed to know better how to speak to her like a small adult while taking care of her like he had when she was eight. It was strange to have to insist on washing dishes as she could obviously do it, just because he seemed attached to the idea that he needed to. She wondered if he knew he was getting older, then again he barely looked it, a few more lines in his face than in the picture of his wedding day set and dusted carefully on the end table, his hair had thinned a bit, and it seemed he suffered aches and pains at times. But none too out of character for a man she was pretty sure was almost forty. 

“Well, I think i'll start some dinner.”

“Ill help.” Laura said on a whim standing up.

“Oh you don't have to i-”

“I'm helping.” she stated a little louder turning and striding off to the kitchen before he could finish his dismissal and when she turned around in the kitchen he was only a foot or so behind her, bag in hand, shaking his head in something like defeat. She spit the gum into the trash and tried to think of what to make. 

“We're gonna make chilli.” she announced digging around it a cupboard for an old red pot that would make a decent amount of food for two people. They didn't have a lot of dishes, they didn't need them really. They rustled around the kitchen for a few minutes, James had taken his coat off finally and was busy cutting vegetables that Laura was frankly surprised were still good, he often forgot they had vegetables, but she usually ate any of the fruit they had, unless it was cherries. Bastard never shared those. 

She sat on the small kitchen table, they didn't always eat here but did occasionally for dinner, or the two of them would play a rousing game of Sorry, Monopoly, or Life and occasionally a card game or chess (for obvious reasons Clue wasn't a game either of them were interested in playing, the subject matter a little too on the nose, besides, they didn't have enough people.) she watched him mixing together ground beef, onions, and chilli powder he found in the cupboard, her being around the stove was sort of nerve wracking for him, so sometimes she conceded and let him do it for her, she could do it herself when he wasn't home. 

She watched James, sometimes he seemed to forget where he was, forget she was here in the room and she could just make out him humming to himself if he was in a good mood. Today he was, but she never knew the song. He seemed a lot older than he was some days.

Her mind wandered back to the thoughts shed put at a pause earlier, about the concept of family, the abstractness of it, what it meant to her and why it meant nothing to her and as she watched him pause just before he rubbed his eyes with onion covered hands, manage to get to the sink before somehow resetting his brain and doing it anyways, she wondered what family meant to him. She’d ask plenty of questions about Mary, about her life, their marriage, her family or what he knew of them but not so many about him.

“Hey James,” she stared, and he turned and glanced at her, rubbing his now irritated eyes with wet hands trying to clean the oil out of it, tilting his head in a questioning manor. “What was your family like?”

“....huh?” he frowned, he seemed confused by the question before it registered to him what she had asked. His expression was odd when he looked at her trying to figure out what to say. “Oh..well...what brought that up?”

“Well. i was just wondering, i asked you a lot about Mary’s family, and i never heard anything about yours. You have one right?” 

“...well. I uh, i guess so. “ he paused, he seemed sort of apprehensive about it, and Laura became very intrigued by this, James was usually decently open about things, things he didn't always have to say, painful questions shed asked him that he’d answered, albeit without details she didn't need to know. So this hesitancy, well it meant there was something there he wasn't saying on purpose. 

“Like who?” she pressed, she knew she could push, but she had to be smart. She couldn't push too hard out of the gate, but as long as she kept gently nudging, she would get her answer. “You have a dad? Or a mom? Or grandparents or siblings?”

“...as far as i know i only had a dad.” he answered after a moment, and between that and another uncomfortable pause she swore he looked almost pained, but that could just be the onion he'd turned back to try and wash out more, “really Laura, why are you asking?” 

“I'm just curious. And i was thinking about how Ashley talks about her stupid dad, and my other friends about their families and i dunno, i guess you're just the only person i've really met that doesn't seem to care about their family. “ she shrugged, it was the truth but she couldn't help but feel like she was weaseling information out of him. 

“Yeah well. Kind of old to still be too worried about...that kind of family.” James said, drying his hands and face before walking back over to the sizzling meat and boiling beans, he was avoiding it. 

“Sure but i know plenty of my teachers who’re as old as you who visit their moms and stuff.” she pointed out and he conceded with a shrug of his shoulders, stirring things and rocking back and forth on his feet, she watched him push his sleeves down over his wrists and wondered why. She was now dead set on learning anything she could force out of James about this father, it seemed weird to imagine that he had been born once, had a parent, had at one point been her own age. He didn't have any pictures of himself that didn't include Mary. 

“So, what was he like?” she stood up and walked over to the counter and leaned against it while looking up at him, studying his face, while picking up and eating a stray piece of onion on the cutting board. 

“...who?”

“Your dad.” 

“Oh well. You don't wanna hear about all that.”

“Why not? I'm asking cus i do wanna know yknow.” his face fell a little more, he'd stopped humming, and though he didn't look that upset, she kind of wondered if he was thinking too deeply about what she was asking. She was insatiable, unless he really put his foot down, but she'd only gotten him to that point about twice. 

“It's...well there's nothing all that interesting honestly, he was normal, i had a...pretty normal childhood i suppose. I guess besides not having a mom, but besides that, nothing really worth mentioning.” 

“What happened to her?”

“Hm?”

“Well you had to have a mom at some point?”

“Oh, right well,” he rubbed his forehead, “I never met her...Well okay thats not exactly true, she was around when i was.. A toddler I suppose. But i don't know anything about her, i've seen some pictures once or twice though.”

“Did she die?”

“....no. she uh, well she just left, one day. As far as i know, i don't think she left a note or anything. But y'know i didn't remember her, didn't know anything about her except...anyways, like i said, besides that nothing interesting.” his pausing and hesitation indicated he was either lying or omitting or even sort of making the story sound nicer than it was. Laura couldn't be sure, but even this was interesting. He did know something about her, and he wasn't saying, and something about how normal he tried to insist everything was back then seemed fishier than an old waterlogged boat. It was James. The more he insisted something was normal, the less likely that it was true. 

“So...what was your dad actually like then.”

“Like I said, nothing weird.” 

“It's you. That's unlikely.”

“Well it wasn't me, it was him.” James pointed out almost cheekily as he combined food in the pot and stirred it rather attentively, more attentive than necessary, she was getting close to cracking something out of him, and decided to back off a little to sort of get him to let his guard down, he somehow never saw this coming. Manipulative? Sure, but she really wanted to know what he was hiding, a man who’d answered so much about their time in a town full of horrors she’d never personally seen, about killing somebody she’d met there even in self defence, there was something here, she knew it. 

She wandered to the cupboard and found some silverware and bowls, James sort of relaxed his shoulders and the two of them went about a pretty normal routine of making food. Tragically there were no crackers, James likely ate the rest of them, but there was cheese as she hadn't eaten all of it herself. Dinner was settled and they sat at the table in the kitchen, James turning on the radio in the kitchen, letting gentle rock music drone on in the background of the room. The snow had picked up a little bit but it was cozy, Laura sat on one crossed leg, resting her foot on the bar of the old kitchen chair. They were such old chairs she couldn't remember where he'd gotten them. They ate quietly for a bit while Laura pondered how to bring it up again, but hesitated slightly as she watched him stare out one of the windows for a time. There was something in his eyes that was sort of nostalgic and sort of troubled. Deep empty pools of hurt in green eyes flecked with brown, this wasn't uncommon, but it was noted as he hadn't seemed too bad today. She wondered if she’d hurt him somehow, but he was eating, and she really had to know. 

“James,” she looked up at him and it took him a moment to register that she was there, he blinked a few times but before she could really figure out how to word the next question, his expression became somewhat resigned if a bit worried, he spoke up. 

“You wanna ask more about all that huh?” he stated and she gave him a slight frown, somewhat confused, “i figured as much. I can't really stop you huh. You always get this look…” 

Well, Laura was surprised but somewhat impressed, James was always full of surprises, sharp James, very sharp. 

“Maybe. It's just that usually you'll tell me things. And you're being weird and avoiding talking about it which is suspicious y'know.” Laura explained, twirling the spoon around in the bowl, and examining his face. Tired yes, and almost resigned. 

“I guess that's true. It's just...not anything i really like to think about. It's not all that sentimental.” he shrugged.

“What's not? You're whole childhood?” 

“Yeah, pretty much.” James said as if that wasn't insane. “But i guess there's nothing...really that terrible.” 

Laura paused and thought about it, she wanted to ask a bunch of questions, but something about all of this was odd. She knew he'd answer, but why had he suddenly changed his mind about answering? Effectively this was permission, but after so much denial it was strange. Maybe he wanted to say, make some sense over the unremarkable years before herself, and before Mary even, he'd said before they met in their early twenties. 

“Well alright. Where did you even grow up?”

“Ashfield. I'm sure you remember it as I can't figure you lived anywhere else it's about the only big enough town around there.” he seemed more at ease with this question, but not all that relaxed, like he knew it would lead into other inquiries. 

“Didn't Mary live there too?” 

“Yeah she moved there at some point from her hometown. We lived just close enough to meet by chance.” he stirred the chilli a few times as he spoke, and Laura listened before thinking about some other leading questions, she guessed his parents were a good place to try and start again. His father was the topic she really wanted to figure out, but slowly. 

“Your mom left right? And you didn't know her at all.”

“Right. I knew her name. Seen some pictures. But he didn't know why she left. Or, didn't really know why, he had some theories.” James couldn't seem to repress something like bitterness in his tone, bitterness he tried to rectify, “god only knows where she went but it was probably a good choice on her part.”

“That bad huh.”

“No not really.” he sighed, “well, sometimes...sometimes things were weird I guess. I won't say that the apartments we lived in were very nice, but whatever.” 

“Did you live there your whole life?”

“Yeah. i uh, he was the superintendent for, years and years, before i was born. So naturally with a stable job he wasn't going to move or anything.” James explained while picking at his food.

“Was he nice?” At this question James noticeably paused, he looked like he didn't know the answer or rather that he didn't know if he should say. Only prompting Laura to be more curious.

“He could be.” was what he said eventually, looking like he didn't really want to keep eating. Unsatisfied Laura pressed harder. 

“Are you sure about that?”

“Well yeah, nobodies mean all the time.” he rebutted rather defensively.

“Sounds like he was mean most of the time then.”

“No no, I never said that.” he shook his head and waved his hand dismissively. “I just meant generally speaking. I never said he was mean, he just wasn't always the nicest and y’know how...how fathers can be.” 

“I dunno. I never had one.” Laura rolled her eyes a little at his strange insurance, he looked a little embarrassed. “And whatever, you were never mean.” she began to pay a lot of attention to her dinner, fascinated by it. He didn't say anything and after a brief time she looked up at him, something acute but unrecognizable in eyes that met her own. She just shrugged as if to challenge him to disregard the implications of what she’d said, and despite the relative thickness of his skull he seemed to understand. 

“Well. i'm...i'm not very good at that kind of thing. I never was. I just do what i can.”

“I mean. You never visit him or call him or anything, i feel like maybe that says something about him”

“I mean…”

“Ignoring _that _, y’know you also don't talk about him.”__

__“...no. but in all fairness i didn't think you’d really care about all of that.”_ _

__“It's taking a lot of effort to get you to say anything so i just think maybe there's something else to it then.” Laura gazed at his face, and he took some time to think about it. She wondered what was behind it, a remarkably reserved expression, like he was rethinking, and recontextualizing things._ _

__“I don't know really. You can't really know a lot about people, you can try to look at things, listen to what they say to you and try and understand why they do the things they do. But you'll never really understand a person. At some point, you can only deal with so much, you can only listen to somebody show you they don't give a damn for so many years before...before it's not really worth it anymore.” he stated, and while she didn't have the context for most of this, she could try to infer what he meant. For the first time she really wondered what had happened to him while Mary was sick._ _

__“So he wasn't really mean, as much as he..didn't care?”_ _

__“....i guess so. That's the long and short of it anyways. Maybe he had his moments...moments where he did care, but everybody does, as far as I can tell anyways. He was human. And Sure, he had moments where he would….” James paused, eyes downcast and he looked almost like he was realizing something, but he shook his head and clearly tried to bypass it, “well he liked his jokes, but they weren't always the nicest jokes.”_ _

__“It isn't a joke if it's not funny.” Laura pointed out, even as she knew she could be sort of mean, she also figured that he knew she didn't intend it to be cruel._ _

__“No. no i guess it's not, but y'know, i don't have much of a sense of humor.” James’ smile was somewhat strained, “but yeah i..he just didn't really like me all that much, i can't blame him too much for that considering some of the things i ended up ruining for him. Even still, i can't say i didn't sort of resent it. But it doesn't matter too much now. What's done is done.”_ _

__Laura considered this as they continued to eat there sort of cold food, the music helped it feel slightly less awkward, but even still she just couldn't shake what he’d said, the little peek behind the curtain of what he was thinking and feeling, of what had shaped him into whoever he had been before his life had crumbled in front of him and he’d been forced to rebuild it on whatever shaky foundation he still had left. James was far less pitiful than he had once been, but he was still a person, and as Laura was starting to see, he was a very fragile person, and likely a damaged one._ _

__“James. Did...did he even care about Mary?” she glanced at him, he had stopped eating at this point and had just been sort of sitting and thinking when she asked. He was very readable now, and the book of painful feelings his face showed her gave her the very basic no, to her more complex question._ _

__“I don't think they liked each other. She always said he was needlessly...well i wouldn't say cruel, but she would. And I would disagree, and she would ask why I would defend him after everything. And I never had an answer for her. I just felt I was supposed to defend him, not that he wanted it from me. They argued a few times, and then didn't talk to each other much after that. When…” he sighed very deeply and she saw him gently tapping his knuckles against his knee, “when she got sick he visited her with me once and it was...it wasn't good. After that, for maybe a week or so he was around but, i think he got bored and i saw him less and less until, it was worse than before she was sick, and even then id only see him once every month or two.” he cleared his throat resting his chin on the palm of his hand, eyes downcast._ _

__“When did you last see him?”_ _

__“...it was, a year before she...it was a year before that. And I remember he acted like nothing was wrong, like life was just grand. He acted like we hadn't been strained all to hell for two years. Like I'd just seen him yesterday.” James said this in that tone like he was far away, but suddenly there was an anger in his eyes, in his expression and she felt very strongly like there was some deep wound he had just dusted off of the gallery of his memories. It was startling, as he never really was angry, frustrated at times sure, but one could tell he didn't feel real anger then, just sadness or confusion or he was just tired, irritable and he needed a moment to calm down. His anger was never more than fleeting aggravation that he immediately regretted and apologized for, he had grown much calmer as the years went on, he had learned how to reign in the reaction of being short and a bit immature. He had learned to take things with more grace, and this fact told Laura that the anger in his eyes now was very real, something more potent than temporary irritation. Granted she also felt this anger herself, if Mary didn't like this man she was sure he was nothing but awful, but to have it mirrored in James was different._ _

__“Was he always like that about stuff?”_ _

__“Yeah. yeah he was. It just took...it just took that for me to see it. Really i didn't even see it then, it was only after...after we moved here that i really occurred to me. I tried not to think about it, I had more important things to worry about.” James sighed, and it occurred to Laura that in this case, she was the thing more important to him than his fathers blatant disregard for him or his wife. She guessed that should've been obvious, she knew she was something of significance to him, but even still._ _

__“What made you stop...talking to him?”_ _

__“....right, right well…” he closed his eyes and the scowl there was potent, but he tried to let it fall, to at least physically seem unbiased, “well i was at a point where...i was lonely, desperate even so i tried to talk to him, he was the only person i could really...turn to. And I didn't mind that he didn't talk about it, I wasn't expecting him to try to be...emotional at any point. He wasn't a vulnerable person, so i didn't expect sympathy, or even a ‘how are you doing’ or ‘how are you dealing with that’, truthfully i didn't want to answer those questions even if i sorta wanted somebody to ask. But...but you don't...no decent person asks someone who's still married, much less someone whose spouse is dying...when they're going to get over it and move on, when they're going to stop whining.”_ _

__“Oh god…” Laura scowled, angry herself at this slight, or rather this blatant disrespect. James’ expression was more than hurt, there was injustice there, a deep seated thorn in his mind than she knew he didn't visit often if ever, but it still hurt him. “What...what happened after that.”_ _

__“Well...i tried to tell him to stop. To take it back or apologize or anything at that point. But he kept going, he always, _always_ kept going. And i…” here, James paused, and some of that anger gave way to shame, as he shook his head slowly and looked out the window at the snow. “I blew up at him. Admittedly we had been drinking, he thought it was funny when i was drinking and in those two years that was mostly what I'd done anyways, but i remember yelling at him, i couldn't say now what the hell i even said, only that he actually sort of listened for a moment. It was like I finally had a stage to say what I wanted to him, and for a minute I did, but I know I hesitated and he pounced. He always liked to go for the throat so to speak, and it was just a fight, and it was bad, it was real bad…” _ _

__His gaze was far away and she watched him trying to think of even one time she could remember where he'd yelled, really yelled. But none came to her, slight aggravation was one thing, but she remembered being yelled at, and he'd never done anything like that. She wondered what they had said, what his father could’ve said to try and defend himself from being disrespectful at best and outright callous at worst. Or if he had defended himself at all. The way James phrased it made her think that he had instead just tried to attack James for something, related or otherwise. She wondered what in James’ mind constituted ‘real bad’ considering how willing he was to downplay so much if it sounded like he could be pitied at all._ _

__“I left him a note.” he said eventually, much more calm now but he still had that melancholy expression there, “before i left, but god only knows if he saw it. It didn't say anything important anyways. I don't really know if i care how he feels; it'd be nice to pretend he misses me but i know better than to think he does.” the deep sigh that escaped his chest was somewhat permanent. An ending perhaps._ _

__“Sorry if i...brought down the mood huh.” he tried with something more lighthearted and shook his head and stood up, he hadn't finished his dinner but she didn't mention it._ _

__“I can do the dishes.” she offered and he shook his head, patted hers, and took her bowl, she had expected as much and just shrugged trying to sound as casual as he had. “Ok, well I offered.”_ _

__“You always do.” James concurred and nodded, filling a tupperware container with the leftovers and going about a routine. She watched him but figured he wanted a moment to think, and she wanted one as well, strifeing off into the living room and sitting on the couch while the tv offered her an episode of the simpsons. Fine. mindless enough to think about what he’d said._ _

__It occurred to her while she sat there thinking about this, that his complexity as stupid as it was lent to her, the fact that there was much more depth to both of them being Shepherd now._ _

__She very well might be able to unpack some of why he was the way he was with what had been said, that a man burdened by the weight of someone who, if he was to be believed, didn't love him as well as the weight of someone else who very much did. It was notable that the chain with their wedding rings still hung around his neck, but Laura didn't know his fathers name, and she only sort of wanted to as a name to pinpoint her hatred, even without knowing much else, even without specifics, she and James had always, always, agreed about Mary. Someone disregarding, disrespecting, being uncaring towards her, was a good enough reason to hate them. A common enemy, whether that was Mary’s own family, James’ father, or James himself._ _

All that said, there was a sadness there, one Laura could see in him, and one she could almost feel herself. _it'd be nice to pretend he misses me but i know better than to think he does._ ,it was something potent, a very simplistic way to summarize a lot of pain. James was always this way, he summarized, and then he moved on, she had to assume that it wasn't good for him to do so, but what was she going to do about it. She worried about him at times, but he tried not to let her, tried not to make her worry, and for her own pride she tried to pretend she didn't care, though fundamentally it was no use. There was so much to him, layers and layers of something underneath a surface of moderate depression. A foundation of suffering with layers and layers more of it piled on top, she just hadn't known that foundation was there. 

__And it occurred to her that the beginnings of her own foundation weren't great, maybe they were bad too, she wasn't sure, but this latter half was not, or wasn't as bad. There was a sense of what could almost be called love, that whatever his faults and he had many, and the pain they'd both endured at his hand, he didn't mean to be malicious, he never wanted to hurt people. He had, but he had also tried to be better for other people's sake and she didn't think he had ever been treated to that. She didn't think anyone had tried to be better for him. And what a sad thought that must be. It added to the notion that he didn't believe in his own importance. She knew that he didn't but it seemed that the world had always agreed with him._ _

__James entered the room rubbing his hands as they were likely cold, his sweater wet seeing as he must've left the hand towels somewhere. His eyes looked a little red, but otherwise he didn't seem all that perturbed. He settled himself on the couch leaving some room between them like they always did. They silently watched tv for a little bit, and she wondered if she should say anything, sure, she knew it wasn't her job, he had told her this before. It was why he never gave details, it was part of why he could be hesitant, but she still wanted to help. It was a long time of thinking before she found something she wanted to say, something she was sure would at least get her point across._ _

__“Y’know you aren't like that.” she looked at him but he couldn't seem to bring himself to look at her, he frowned, as if he was confused or didn't believe her._ _

__“What do you mean Laura?”_ _

__“....i dunno. I just don't think you're like him.” she watched him frown more, so she interrupted, “i don't think you're even really able to be like that to somebody else.”_ _

__“...Laura I don't...as far as i'm aware he never...”_ _

__“You can't bring that up every time. It's bad, i'm not saying you didn't do anything bad. But i mean generally.” she interrupted again and he closed his mouth and grimaced, curling his hands hard enough to pop his knuckles while his eyes gazed sightlessly at the TV._ _

__“I don't know. I'm sorry if I made you feel like...like you have to reassure me, you don't really Laura that isn't your job, that's my job.” he rubbed the side of his neck while he spoke._ _

__“See that's what i mean though.” she gestured, turning herself to face him more. “That's an apology and I dunno, trying to right a wrong. That's not something a lot of people would do. I know it's not my job i never said i was trying to make it my job, i just want you to know that it matters to me that you know that….that i dunno...i guess i have to move out someday, but i can't imagine going months without being around. I guess it's that I think you're better than that. I dunno maybe I resent stuff but overall…” she sort of trailed off, and was startled to find that he nearly was in tears. He immediately shook himself and pushed it back, they were gone as quickly as they were there and he cleared his throat._ _

__“Thats...that means a lot Laura.”_ _

__“I know.” she shrugged and pushed her hair back, almost wishing it was long again as that was easier to pull out of her face, then realized she was diverting her own thoughts away from the conversation._ _

__“You know...you're important to me.” he started, now looking her in the eye and it was a little strange, but she didn't break it. “Whatever...has happened, and I know you didn't have a lot of choice, you've always been important. And I'm proud of you, for so much, not because I had anything to do with who you are, but because you did. You're a strong person, you’re a great person and you'll keep being that person I know that much. I could sit here and apologize for everything i've done wrong, and if i thought you wanted to hear it i would but...but really the point is i care about you. I never want you to think that I don't care, even if you hate me.”_ _

__“I know you care. And I know when you're sorry, you always say it, usually you do better.” she didn't know what else to say, looking around she let her eyes rest on a picture of Mary set up on the end table, it was strange to know that he was proud of her. There was praise, and rewards for menial little things, for grades, for doing well, hell for straining up for herself, but it was something to really get in plain english, ‘i'm proud of you’. He didn't want to mince words it seemed. It was a nice feeling, just as nice as those other times, maybe even better, and she wondered if he had such a feeling, if he had ever heard such a thing. Not that she could give it to him, but rather that he very well might be trying to alleviate that pain by showing her the comfort of someone truly caring. She didn't think she minded, because she was sure he did believe it, that he was proud of her._ _

__“I just think you should know.” he nodded, and gently squeezed her shoulder. “I don't want you to feel...i just want you to know.”_ _

__“I do.”_ _

__He stood up and nodded, yawning and glancing outside. It was dark now but he looked like he wanted to go out._ _

__“I think i'm gonna...uhm.” he looked like he was searching for an excuse and she just shook her head and stood up too._ _

__“Go smoke?” he looked a little startled and maybe guilty, like he assumed she didn't know, but he was stupid, one only had to get close enough to smell the black coat. She knew he didn't drink at least, and that was enough for her. Even if she sort of worried about the inevitability of it killing him slowly._ _

__“Well...listen i…”_ _

__“Whatever. Just don't die.” she shrugged and he just ran his hands through his hair still looking a bit ashamed, but with everything she couldn't blame him for having a vice or two._ _

__“Right right...i uhm...do you need anything just..”_ _

__“Nah. i gotta do some homework and then i dunno i'll read or play a game or something before bed.” she shrugged._ _

__“Alright, i think there's still some pop in the fridge if you want it. And that pie if you're still hungry later.” he nodded and they both very slowly drifted apart her turning off the TV and him grabbing his coat from the dining room, and as he went to leave out the front door, she paused and watched the sad yet ernest man who she reluctantly accepted as her parent, and she decided everyone deserved to know they were cared for. Even him._ _

__“James…” he turned to face her, and in a moment she was next to him, arms around him, she was tall enough to reach just above his chest. A moment and then the reciprocation. He gave good hugs, every time before she had just been too distressed by bad dreams or anger to notice. Maybe it took too long for them to let go, but neither of them cared._ _

__“Goodnight honey.” he gently kissed the top of her head when they let go, she smiled despite everything._ _

__“Night, try not to be too sappy.” she smirked and he just shook his head as he turned to go outside and she went to go to her room. All things considered, he wasn't so bad._ _

__She imagined Mary thought so too._ _


End file.
